I’m exhibiting at the Winter TNNA Trade show in Phoenix, Arizona.

Stop by Booth #110 and see What’s New with Fickle Knitter Design this weekend at TNNA! Have a wonderful weekend!

This morning I realized that I hadn’t written a blog post since last year! So here’s what new with me in 2012. What’s going on with you this January?

I’m leaving this Thursday to show at the TNNA Tradeshow next week in Phoenix. If you’re attending please stop by my booth, #110 and say hi, or come see me at Sample It on Friday night. See ya’ll on the flip side!

Just in time for the show I released Nebulous Shawl. I’m particularly attached to this shawl, it takes up nearly every square inch of Tilli Tomas Artisan SOCK (I believe I had ONE yard left, so you may want to have a back up skein), and the knit on border has bobbles. Lots and lots of bobbles. The main body looks like a rib but is all done with k2tog, ssk, and purl the wrong side rows. I love Tilli Tomas SOCK for lace knitting and it has become one of my staple yarns. Look for more patterns in SOCK soon!

Fluid Velocity Shawl is the first shawl from the Fickle Zen Mystery KAL. Now that the KAL is over the pattern is up for individual sale. I loved knitting with Roxanne’s Serenity Lace II SO MUCH. Cashmere, people. Cashmere. If you missed our first KAL don’t fret. We’re working up the second Fickle Zen Mystery KAL for this March! I have the yarn already and let me be the first to say it is wonderful.

2011 was a difficult year and I’ve been eagerly awaiting the new year for months. I took a self portrait on the last day of 2011, with the hopes of a happy, healthy and successful year to come.

One of the first things I planned for the new year was a spinning workshop with Lexi Boeger of Pluckyfluff. If you’re wondering whether or not to take one of Lexi’s classes the answer is yes. Take her class. I enjoyed it very much and it was just the boost of creativity I needed to get me through the next few months of show season.

In class I turned this art batt (with BABIES)

Into this, my yarn self portrait. What do you think?

This is a tutorial on how to block your hand knit triangle shawls. I use blocking wires and a spin dryer but you can block any shawl with the materials you have on hand without having to invest extra money in shawl blocking equipment. This tutorial will teach you how to quickly block your lovely hand knit shawls regardless of what materials you have on hand.

1. Soak your hand knit shawl in room temperature water for about 20 minutes. Optional: Add Euclan or other Wool Wash. I’m a big fan of Euclan. The wool wash coats the knit in lanolin which protects your wool and repels stains to a certain degree, plus it smells nice.

2. Remove excess water from your shawl. I use a nifty device called a Spin Dryer (amazon link here) because I’m always blocking something. I also use it for spinning out newly dyed yarn or fiber. You don’t have to spend money on something to get the extra water out of your shawl, you can gently press the water out by rolling up the shawl in a towel and pressing to remove water. Be sure you don’t wring the wool because that can damage your knitting! Optional: You can wring water out of your shawl using a washing machine on the spin setting. Be very careful to ensure that the shawl is not caught on the agitator in any way because the agitation will cause felting under the right circumstances.


3. Plan how you’re going to block your shawl. I use Lace Blocking Wires from Inspinknity and pin the shawl on my own bed. In the past I’ve used yarn run through the eyelets on the edges of the shawl with a yard stick and pinned out on my guest bed. I’ve also tried blocking on covered cardboard and foam blocks. I like pinning on an (empty) bed and if you use yarn to stabilize the edges this costs you nothing and you can start immediately. Over time I’ve acquired different tools for making blocking efficient and so the photos show my blocking wires and I briefly discuss the techniques that work best for me.

4. Thread the edges of your lace shawl. I find this is easiest when you use flexible blocking wires. I weave the edge of the blocking wire up and down through the eyelets along the border of the shawl. You may also use yarn for this purpose, using a blunt edge darning needle. I find the wires work a little better but yarn is a no cost solution.

Make certain you don’t combine like with like when you’re choosing a yarn for threading through the eyelet edges. If you knit with a wool yarn and you use a wool yarn to block your edges straight the wool fibers will be attracted to each other and you’ll have wool from your blocking yarn stuck in your shawl. This is not a good look. I have used acrylic and cottons when blocking wool shawls with no problems.

This is what the shawl looks like when I’ve added the blocking wires to all three edges.

5. Begin pinning out your edges in a straight line. Some people do this with a yardstick at the edge or on a specially marked blocking surface. Bending over hurts my back and I’m cheap so I block on my husband’s side of our bed. I have tried many different surfaces for blocking and a bed is the easiest and cheapest surface. I turn on a rotating fan and close the door to the room with the blocking shawl and my shawls are completely dry within four hours of blocking, plus it’s on my husband’s side of the bed so it’s always fun to hear him grumble about pins and wet wool in his space. I tell him he must suffer for my art and eat a brownie. This makes me feel superior.

6. Once you’ve pinned out the long edge begin pinning out the shawl points. Different people have different methods for varying levels of precision when pinning out the points of triangle shawls. I eyeball it and adjust the pins. The best way to adjust the pins is to STOP what you’re doing, take a step back and have a look at how the shawl is laying flat on the blocking surface. I turn my body so that I’m facing the edge and look closely at what I’ve blocked.

7. Adjust pins on all sides as needed. Do exactly as I said above, pin out the shawl, STOP, take a step back and look at what you’ve done. Another trick is to take a photo (I usually but not always stand on a step stool to get a photo) and look at the photo to correct crookedly pinned edges.

8. Turn on oscillating fan, aim it at shawl, close the door and come back in 4 hours. Your shawl should be dry if you’ve used a lace or a sock weight yarn. I test the shawl with the palm of my hand to see if everything feels dry. If you remove the pins from the shawl before it’s completely dry the pinned edges won’t look as crisp and the shawl could wrinkle if you fold it in any way.

That’s it! You’ve just read my tutorial on how to Block Hand Knit Triangle Lace Shawls and if you’ve followed along your shawl is done and you feel confident about how awesome you are. Go have some chocolate. Now.

My new favorite knitting accessory is the Blocking Wires sold by Inspinknity. They are very easy to use and help me pin very precisely when I’m blocking my lace shawl samples. I like the Inspinknity wires so much I blocked three shawls in one day! I’m not a paid endorser, I just love Rachel’s wires.

Click to buy your own Inspinknity Lace Blocking Kits Here.

Interested in buying Michelle’s knitting patterns? Visit her online shop, ravelry shop, or etsy shop to buy now. Each pattern purchased helps keep the lights on and gives Michelle time and resources to write more about knitting.

The shawl featured in this tutorial may be purchased here.

This Christmas held a number of firsts for our little family. My nephew Dmitri became part of our family this year and we had a lovely celebration for his first Christmas with us. I’ve included some of my favorite photos from this holiday season. Thanks to all who have supported me in the past year and during this difficult family transition. Thanks also to all the yarn shops, knitters, dyers, and friends who have held me up when I needed you.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my friends, family, readers, and knitters out there.

xox

Michelle

Five brings with it a lot of changes in your life, some due to growing and changing and some due to circumstances beyond our control. Turning five means you handled the addition of your cousin to our home with graciousness and aplomb. (You can look those words up when you’re Six).

This year you started making two activities at school so you could bring one home for Dmitri so he wouldn’t miss out and impressing your Pre-K teachers with your reading.

Your awesome personality has reached full bloom. You are funny, theatrical, loving, and friendly.

You love wearing knitting and although your hands don’t have the dexterity to do it yet, you regularly ask me for lessons. I bet this year will be your year.

I love your style, your heart, and everything about you, even when you’re mad or sad. Happy 5th Birthday to my big girl.

First, let’s talk about Knit On Edgings and how to work them on a Triangle Shawl, then let’s take a look at Short Row Center instructions and how to adjust them.

The great thing about Knit On Edgings is you don’t have to cast off and pick up 249 stitches (which sometimes feels like 2000) to complete the shawl.

You will bind off one live stitch at a time by knitting last edge stitch together with one stitch from main body stitches on all odd rows.

Not sure what that means? Have a look at my article on Lace Triangle Shawl Construction here and an illustration of the technique below.

Note that the illustration was created for the Went Berrying shawl. In each case the Knitted Cast On number will vary depending on the pattern. In the case of Went Berrying you will cast on 23 stitches without breaking the yarn from the main body knitting and then begin the knit on edging.

The red line in the illustration represents the main body stitches after you’ve finished knitting everything up to the knit on edging. The green line represents the 23 knitted cast on stitches. You work the knitted edge back and forth (green arrows) while k2tog with one main body stitch (red) each right side row all the way to one stitch before the center stitch.

Still not certain about the technique? Follow Lynn’s sage advice:

…Sideways knit-on edgings are such an awesome way to finish a shawl! Just let go and trust the pattern and their advice and watch the magic happen!

My patterns have been thoroughly test knit and professionally tech edited so don’t be afraid to let go and follow the instructions. You’ll be happy with the results!

Short Row Center Instructions and how to Alter them to fit your needs
Short Rows around the center point of a shawl allow for the fabric to drape naturally without pulling, just as a short row heel curves around your foot. The main difference between a Shawl Short Row section and a Sock Short Row Heel is that a shawl is a flat, 1-D object and a sock is a magical 2-D cylinder that has curved area that connects the cuff to the main part of the foot. To those who would prefer I say a shawl is a 2-D object and a sock is a 3-D object I say, I am a physicist by training and we’ll also assume a cow is a sphere. And then the magic happens.

I always use a general formula for Triangle Shawl Short Row Centers which you’ll find below. If it’s all greek to you don’t worry!

Simply follow my patterns as written and you’ll be good to go. After you work the Short Row Center portion you will continue knitting your knit on edge just as you did before. Continue on until all the live stitches are consumed. And just like that you’ll have bound off 249 stitches and worked a lovely edging at the same time. I hope you feel very clever.

Michelle’s Short Row Center Formula
Short Row on one stitch before center.
Purl Row.

One Regular Row to consume stitch before center.
Purl Row

One Regular Row to consume center stitch.
Purl Row.

Short Row on one stitch after center.
Purl Row.

One Regular Row to consume stitch after center.
Purl Row.

What’s great about this formula is it works no matter where you are in your knit on edging. That means if you make a mistake or you’d like to enlarge your shawl you can figure out what to do by referring to the formula each time you need to make a change. Let’s work on an example, shall we?

You will work the chart exactly as written when you are working the Knit On Edging for the Edge Chart above, with purl rows for every even row. One repeat of the Edge Chart consists of 10 rows.

Row 1: K1, yo, k4, double decrease, k4, yo, k1, k2tog with edge stitch.
Row 2 and all even rows through Row 10: Slip 1 stitch purl wise, p13.
Row 3: K2, yo, k3, double decrease, k3, yo, k2, k2tog with edge stitch.
Row 5: K3, yo, k2, double decrease, k2, yo, k3, k2tog with edge stitch.
Row 7: K4, yo, k1, double decrease, k1, yo, k4, k2tog with edge stitch.
Row 9: K5, yo, double decrease, yo, k5, k2tog with edge stitch.

Let’s write up a fictional Short Row Section to see how the Edge Chart Changes, shall we? Let’s assume there are 205 stitches in the main body of the shawl. Subtract one for the center stitch, leaving 102 stitches on each half. But we’d like one stitch over from the center so subtract one more from the total leaving us 101 stitches to work with before we must begin the Short Row Section. Since we subtract one stitch for every odd row that means that five stitches are bound off every time we repeat the Edge Chart one time. Five goes into 101 a little over 20 times and 5 times 20 is 100. That means we’ll repeat the Edge chart 20 times and still need to work one more stitch before we are at the right place to begin the Short Row Center.

So by the time we’re ready to start the short row center we’ll have completed the Edge Chart 20 times and once more through Row 2. In other words the Short Row Center begins on the 21st repeat of the Edge Chart starting with Row 3.

When I’m creating motifs for Knit On Edgings I always add in one turning row (Stitch 13) beside the K2tog with edge stitch (Stitch 14) seen on the far left. I’ve highlighted it in red so that you can see where I put the extra turn row.

So the Short Row Center Instructions beginning at Row 3 using my Short Row Center Formula will look like this:

Row 3: K2, yo, k3, double decrease, k3, yo, k2, TURN. (Short Row on Stitch to the Right of Center Stitch)
Row 4: p13.

Row 5: K3, yo, k2, double decrease, k2, yo, k3, k2tog with edge stitch. (Consumes Stitch beside Center)
Row 6: Slip 1 stitch purlwise, p13.

Row 7: K4, yo, k1, double decrease, k1, yo, k4, k2tog with edge stitch. (Consumes Center Stitch)
Row 8: Slip 1 stitch purlwise, p13.

Row 9: K5, yo, double decrease, yo, k5, TURN. (Short Row on Stitch to the Left of Center Stitch)
Row 10: P13.

Row 1: K1, yo, k4, double decrease, k4, yo, k1, k2tog with edge stitch. (Consumes One Stitch to the left of Center Stitch)
Row 2: Slip 1 stitch purlwise, p13.

Then finish off the rest of your Knit On Edging start with Row 3 and work until all the remaining stitches are bound off.

Important Note: If you are resizing your shawl to a larger size my rule of thumb for yarn usage is use half by weight. For example if you use 50 grams for the main body, make sure you have 50 grams or more for the edging. I use a kitchen scale to weigh my yarn (in grams, you get better resolution)

Let’s say we’d like to go with a larger sized shawl and wish to knit the main body to 229 stitches instead of 205. That leaves us with 114 stitches on each side not including the center stitch, and minus 1 to have the short row center begin at one stitch to the right of the center stitch. Five goes into 113 a little over 22.5 times. Let’s round that to 5 times 22 = 110, meaning we’ll work the Edge Chart 22 times, and a 23rd time through Row 6. The Short Row Center Instructions will begin on the 23rd Repeat and start at Row 7. As before we’ll work the Edge Chart through Stitch #13 and TURN without finishing the k2tog with edge stitch.

Row 7: K4, yo, k1, double decrease, k1, yo, k4, TURN. (Short Row on Stitch to the Right of Center Stitch)
Row 8: P13.

Row 9: K5, yo, double decrease, yo, k5, k2tog with edge stitch. (Consumes Stitch beside Center)
Row 10: Slip 1 stitch purl wise, p13.

Row 1: K1, yo, k4, double decrease, k4, yo, k1, k2tog with edge stitch. (Consumes Center Stitch)
Row 2: Slip 1 stitch purl wise, p13.

Row 3: K2, yo, k3, double decrease, k3, yo, k2, TURN. (Short Row on Stitch to the Left of Center Stitch)
Row 4: P13.

Row 5: K3, yo, k2, double decrease, k2, yo, k3, k2tog with edge stitch. (Consumes One Stitch to the left of Center Stitch)
Row 6: Slip 1 stitch purl wise, p13.

In this article you’ve learned how to work a Knit On Edging, how to work a Short Row Center, and how to Calculate Short Row Center Instructions if you would like to alter the size of the shawl you’re knitting.

Interested in buying Michelle’s knitting patterns? Visit her online shop, ravelry shop, or etsy shop to buy now. Each pattern purchased helps keep the lights on and gives Michelle time and resources to write more about knitting.

The Tilli Tomas SOCK Lace Knitting Pattern Collection has 4 popular triangle lace shawl knitting patterns by Fickle Knitter Design and includes a bonus 5th design, the Nebulous One Skein Shawl! Every pattern has been professionally tech edited, test knit and checked for accuracy and clarity. Each pattern is knit with 440 yards or less of Tilli Tomas SOCK and comes with both written and charted instructions. The collection is being offered for $25 USD and will be delivered right to you digitally after purchase.

Click here to buy the Tilli Tomas SOCK Lace Knitting Pattern Collection now

These amazing photos are courtesy of tilli tomas and robert torres photography.

The Wild Lettuce One Skein Shawl

The Wave or Particle One Skein Shawl

The Flambe One Skein Shawl

NEW! The Dana One Skein Shawl

Bonus Pattern, the Nebulous One Skein Shawl.

Bonus Tilli Tomas SOCK Knitting Pattern Collection in Kittehs

If you’ve enjoyed this article you may also enjoy my article on How to Calculate Hat Math.

In the course of being a knitting designer I field a lot of questions on how to change the sizes of various knitting patterns, some written by me and some not. Because I’m limited on time and would rather teach a proverbial woman to fish I thought it’d be beneficial to write up my process on how I determine how to knit additional hat sizes that aren’t included in the knitting pattern.

For this discussion let’s look at changing an existing knitting pattern to a pattern that will work for a larger sized head. A great teaching question is:

I’m trying to convert a baby hat pattern to a size that will fit a 7yr old. The gauge is 5 st/inch. The size for 2 year olds has 88 CO. The 7 year old has a head size of 21″.

1. The first thing you need to do is examine the rate of decrease at the crown of the hat. This assumes the hat is knit from the brim to the crown, where the decreases begin. For this example the hat has an 11 stitch decrease, or in other words, *k9, k2tog* for the first decrease row over all stitches.

You have two options for determining a new cast on for the larger size. I’ll list both with the easier and less mathy version first.

2. In physics we use official terms like WAG, which means (Educated) Wild Assed Guess. The simplest way to WAG the new size is to add portions to the cast on in blocks of 11. So adding a new block of 11 stitches won’t change the written pattern instructions except to add one or more repeats to the crown decreases.

We know that the gauge on the pattern is listed as 5 st/inch so one block of 11 stitches will add approximately 2 inches of circumference to the hat. That number was found by WAGging again, assuming 10 stitches for simpler math and figuring what number times 5 will give an answer of 10. If you want to be mathy here there is a more precise way to calculate the circumference and it’s still fairly simple. There are 5 st/inch and 11 sts so the proper way to figure the actual number of inches is to divide 11/5 = 2.2 inches.

But what size is finished size of the 2 year olds hat? Well, that’s pretty simple too. Divide the number of cast on stitches by the gauge and you have the circumference of the hat, 88/5=17.6 inches. Being the WAGger I am, I’d round 17.6 to 18 inches. And in the original question the knitter wants a hat to fit a 21 inch head.

So the official WAG way of estimating how many stitches to cast on goes as follows:
Each group of 11 stitches is approximately 2 inches. You can add one group of 11, making the new cast on total 99, for a finished hat size of about (18+2=) 20 inches around, or if you want a larger hat for growing heads you can add two groups of 11 for a cast on total of 110 and a finished size of (18+2+2=) 22 inches.

Please note that casting on 99 or 110 stitches will not change the written pattern instructions! You’ll be able to knit the hat as before. The only change is you’ll be adding extra repeats to the decrease section that begins with *k9, k2tog*.

3. The more mathy way of figuring the new size uses ratios. Don’t be intimidated though. Ratios are actually quite easy once you get used to them and are a resource for calculating all sorts of amazing things. A ratio helps you compare two things. You have four slots in a ratio, and three of them are predetermined with whatever you are comparing. The empty slot is the number you’re calculating. Sound like greek?

Do not fear. I will teach you. In our example we have the finished size of the 2 year old’s hat, the cast on number, and the finished size for the 7 year old’s hat. Let’s list these numbers and then arrange them into a ratio, shall we?

2 year old cast on = 88. 7 year old cast on = ?.
2 year old size = 17.6 7 year old size = 21.

Find ?
? is commonly called “x” but you can call it what ever you want. I once used a set of very similar, but untoward variable names on a huge project as an undergrad just to be subversive. It cost me about 20 hours of lab time trying to understand what the hell I had wrought.

Anyway, to find x you’ll do a little rearranging. Your goal is to have all of the numbers on one side and the x on the other. Let’s simplify the ratio above so you can see what I’m doing a little easier.

88 x
17.6 21

To get x on one side you’ll need to multiply 88*21 and then divide by 17.6. The answer is 105. But wait a minute. I spent five minutes up above going on and on about the first decrease row in the crown of the hat. And I’m pretty sure that 11 (from *k9, k2tog*) doesn’t go into 105.

So you have to find the closest number to 105 that is divisible by 11. And it turns out that we already know 110 will work and 99 will do that. Remembering the gauge figure above (5st/in) we know that adding 5 sts to get to 110 cast on will add about an inch to the finished size, meaning we’ll have a hat that measures 22 inches. If we subtract 6 sts to get to 99 we lose an inch and end up with a finished hat of about 20 inches.

Funny how we ended up with the same answer using two different methods, isn’t it? In the end I hope you realize that knitting physicists are crafty, but sometimes sneaky individuals who will teach you sums and ratios under the guise of adjusting hats for bigger heads.

Interested in buying Michelle’s knitting patterns? Visit her online shop, ravelry shop, or etsy shop to buy now. Each pattern purchased helps keep the lights on and gives Michelle time and resources to write more about knitting.

Today I am thankful for:

Mike

Yarn

Maya

Dmitri

My girlfriends (You know who you are)

Baxter

My work

What are you thankful for?

The following missive addresses some of the difficulties life has thrown my way in the past 15 months. If you have lost a loved one to cancer or lost a sibling, or are an overly empathetic person you may consider reading this during a time when you can be alone, or not reading it at all. It’s been months in the making and I’m afraid I’ve been shirking writing, really writing because of my inability to let go of my grief. I felt it important to be strong for my family and for my new family and how ever stupid it may have been I felt as if I couldn’t focus on my own pain.

Thanks to everyone in my life who has been good to me this year, and to those who have been understanding and compassionate I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. To those who didn’t extend those courtesies, I don’t really think any different of you. I know most people have absolutely no idea what to say to offer comfort. You don’t really have to say anything. You can hold my hand, hug me, and buy me a drink when I cry. Mainly I want to be treated as a normal person and I’m hoping that getting this out will help me with having to constantly recount what’s happened.

Years ago when I started knitting it was to help cope with the grief of my Father in Law’s terminal cancer diagnosis. And when I started knitting I started writing as a way to honor my own father who I always admired and respected. In October 2010 the terminal diagnosis for my Brother in Law came from the heavens, like an axe on his head. The very next day I had a show in Tehachapi, so I packed up my gear and put on a happy face although I was dying inside. I was reluctant to seek out comfort in the online knitting community because I wanted to respect Ric’s privacy and I had no idea what he had told his job. I couldn’t forgive myself if I put his job in jeopardy so I kept things very quiet. I spoke with my sister on the phone a few times weekly even though I preferred daily, for a few hours each week. Having lived through losing my father in law to cancer I had an inkling of what was ahead of Miriam in regards to Ric’s health. Perhaps the most unjust part of terminal cancer is grieving your loved one twice, the first after diagnosis and the second of course after their battle is won or lost as the case may be. From my experiences I believe that terminal cancer patients really want and need to be treated as a normal human beings and talk about something other than their illness, and be loved for who they were before the world came crashing down.

It’s hard for me to put into words what my brother in law meant to me. As you may know I am a physicist. Ric was the first hard scientist that I met. I was 13 and watching him make his journey through E school at University of Cincinnati and make a life with my sister Miriam. So in my formative years he was a role model for me, and we were a lot alike. Slackers, performing well below our potential until we set our minds upon a goal. During this time my own Father was very ill and Miriam and Ric took me on weekends all over Northern Virginia. They took me to every museum at the Smithsonian, Wineries, Art Festivals, Oktoberfest and Wine and Jazz when I was old enough.

They singlehandedly showed me that there was life and potential to see my dreams even after growing up in a mostly stifling small town atmosphere. So in his own way, Ric was a brother to me over and above the traditional brother in law relationship. He showed me that life didn’t dictate our station, that I had the ability to change my place as an automaton stuck in lower middle class slavery. And that most importantly my future was not dictated by my past failures or inadequacies.

Meanwhile, returning to 2010 I sat and cried with my sister weekly, for hours intercontinentally, talking about what in the hell she was going to do after. I did my best to comfort her, checking in on her as often as I could while trying not to overwhelm her. She was absolutely devastated. Her pain was indescribable at the thought of losing her mate of 21 years. Her pain was my pain. We were very distraught that her son should lose his father and selfishly and righteously angry to lose Ric ourselves. I listened as she made plans to return to New Mexico where she could oversee treatment of her son and a system that would be more friendly to handicapped persons in adulthood.

Then in January my world stopped. I spoke with my Sister and she was feeling unwell. When I nagged her about it she said she was fine and reassured me that she was okay taking care of Dmitri and Ric and herself. She sent me her beautiful photography over email as usual and though I was unable to reach her on the phone I assumed things really were okay.

Things were not okay.

In fact she was as sick as a person could possibly be but no one knew it. For a time the roles reversed Ric was working furiously to take care of her and Dmitri despite his own illness. And finally she couldn’t go on.

I got a call from Ric Thursday the 27th of January. He was calm and reassuring in the face of horror. Miriam had been taken by ambulance to the local Emergency Room for a high fever and pneumonia. I told him about the lung treatments I was aware of from my own issues with asthma and we chatted for a bit. I got off the phone and booked a flight out to Dulles because, dammit, I was going to be there when she woke up and give her hell for getting so sick on us. Only she didn’t wake up. Her condition continued to deteriorate as I sat helpless in California and wondering what in the fuck was going on.

And Ric called at about 4:30 that morning to tell me my sister had passed away at the too young age of 45. We weren’t really clear what had happened but she had had an exceptionally high fever of 105 degrees and bilateral pneumonia, compromising 90% of her lung capacity.

I haven’t written before about what happened because frankly it’s been too painful to share publicly all that transpired. I guess I’m afraid if I start writing about just how crucial and important my sister was to me my whole self would evaporate in a black hole of deep emotion. And frankly some days even without writing I still feel like a zombified soul with one foot in the abyss.

My sister Miriam was 11 years older than me and anyone who has a big sister can understand the depth of our relationship. She was my maternal figure and did everything first so I could do it later. We’re both first generation college students and I watched with a practiced eye while she worked her ass off at community college, then university, and finally her masters degree. My sister bewitched me. There was no one who could do something better than my sister. Even when she was fucking up she did it in a memorable and remarkable way. She was such an integral part of my own person and my sense of self that having her die was like helplessly witnessing half my body float away in the devestation of the worst tempest of my life. I felt her loss and still do on a deeply molecular level. It was like being struck in two, with no hope of reclamation.

My whole life screeched to a halt and I was fucking becalmed, in the middle of California, 3000 miles from home and my sister had the indecency to up and die from pneumonia without so much as a hi, how the hell are you.

The night my sister died all I could do is scream and wail and wonder just what was going to happen to her baby. Ric’s diagnosis was already hanging over our heads like a poorly timed acme anvil. It was just too much to know that this child that had had a continuous outpouring of love from his parents was going to go from a loving home to a stark reality where he was orphaned at the age of nine. And that’s not even touching his disabilities, and the fact that he doesn’t speak. We can only guess what he thinks about all of this because with his autism he is unable to tell us directly.

Ric, being the best micromanager I’ve ever met in my life fixed up things so that he was able to function, rather heroically if you ask me. I flew out to Virginia again in May to talk with him about our game plan and his untimely impending exit to stage fucking left. He asked me to take Dmitri. I said yes without hesitation. Leaving them to go back to California was one of the bitterest memories of my life.

During this time I kept what was going on to a limited number of people because of Ric’s privacy. I was grieving the life changing loss of my sister, the prostate cancer slowly killing my brother in law, and terrified by the major changes ahead created by bringing a severly disabled child into my family.

It was a difficult few months. I naively held on to the hope that all these debilitating cancer treatments would cure the incurable, and that Dmitri wouldn’t lose both of his parents in less than the span of a year. I wanted to pretend my sister didn’t die, that she didn’t suffer, that her son didn’t wonder where she went, and that life hadn’t befuddled me to the point of catatonia.

Then Ric got sicker so I flew out and spent the next six to seven weeks caring for him as his health declined and learning how to interact with my nephew. It was extremely difficult at first. Dmitri is a very strong willed child and with the constant flow of well meaning people in his life he didn’t really know who he had to listen to and who he didn’t. Ric and I had a conversation about the inevitability of requiring Dmitri to do things he didn’t like to do, which I didn’t like to do because seeing that boy cry after all he had been through made me feel like the world’s worst human being. In the end Ric expressed that it was personally important that Dmitri meet his obligations, and if that meant forcing him to get dressed when he didn’t care to, that meant I had to do it. We had many struggles during that time as I was keeping up Ric’s house, taking him to the oncologist and all the other “ists”, learning Dmitri’s preferences and a lot of his dislikes, missing my own family terribly, missing knitting shows, and who knows what else.

Eventually it was time for me to return home. Ric had rallied a bit and Dmitri started 4th grade and I had shows that I felt I couldn’t miss. It was a short 5 weeks, I did a whirlwind of shows, hosted a Knit Along, pushed new patterns out the door, and my own first book. But like all good things there was an ending in my sightline. Ric’s health took a turn. I booked a trip out to aid in his care so that he could have his final wish and die in his mountain house. He died the night before I was scheduled to fly home.

Thanks to some amazing family and friends Ricci was able to have his wish, and Dmitri was lovingly cared for until I arrived in Virginia with my family. We spent the next month going to court to establish custody, moving and emptying Ric and Miriam’s home of their possessions from the last 20 years (if only I had known, I could have called hoarders!), and watching Dmitri with fear and trepidation, full of worry because of all that the pain he has known in his short life. Finally it was time to return to California and I can say without a doubt it was the worst flight of my life. Dmitri was crying because he couldn’t sit by the window (which was quickly remedied) and he couldn’t understand why we had to take away his favorite electronic toy during take off. I am sitting here today and telling you unapologetically that I cried hysterically too. I couldn’t bear to see him so uncomfortable and distraught. I was very concerned the flight was a harbinger of what was to come. Thank god I was wrong.

I’ve spent many sleepless nights worrying how incorporating another human being into my family would affect Mike and Maya. Would they still know that I love them? Had I brought some one into the house that would tear us apart? Would Maya know that she was still my baby even when I couldn’t give her 100% of my attention when she needed it? Would Mike blame me for the rest of my life for having a sister who died after her husband was all set to die from cancer? Would Dmitri adjust to two new authority figures? How would he do in school? Would people be understanding when they spoke to him and he didn’t speak back?

The answer to most of these fears is, I have an extraordinarily overactive imagination. Of course we have our ups and downs and Mike and I are learning to parent two children instead of one. And just because someone doesn’t speak verbally doesn’t mean you won’t learn their nonverbal cues. And sometimes a good hug will cure a lot of evils in life.

Dmitri is attending a wonderfully awesome, indescribably incredible school that is for special needs children. I had to wait interminably long 9 days, go through a tour and an interview after bringing him home to get him enrolled but it was worth every moment of angst. Dmitri gets loved on by his teachers, has daily access to a sensory room, gets to play outside on the swings, is working with innovative and breakthrough communication technology in the classroom.

Maya is doing well. She has returned to the loving embrace of her preschool where she continues to astound her teachers by reading well above her age level. She now makes two of every activity, to bring home one for Dmitri, and looks forward to watching Popeye with her new cousin-sibling in the evenings after school. Of course kids being kids they do get jealous of each other. Bath night is a bitch. They take each others toys. They vie for parental attention. Sometimes Mike and I yell but we give them everything we can and of utmost important love.

Mike is doing great. He’s working too hard as always. He’s stepping up and learning to care for Dmitri and we talk regularly about advocating for Dmitri and Maya as well. He takes them together to the park, we take turns making breakfast, administering parental justice (“That’s his toy, give it back please. Now.”) and even manage to have a moment or two to ourselves occasionally.

So there is normalcy after adversity, life after death, calm after storm. A happy ending? I don’t know, I just live here.

I knew this morning when Dmitri gave me a long extended hug after not fighting me to get dressed for picture day (thank you jesus) that I had some writing to do. I’ll close with the word that Dmitri has been saying over and over again. Since coming to California he’s been working so hard to speak. And he’s saying Mama, Mom, and Mommy. I just hug him tight and let him see my tears.