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September 24, 2008
Code Black! Get that Poor Girl out of here.
According to Wikipedia, South Coast Plaza is
An upscale shopping mall in Costa Mesa, California, USA, in Orange County, and one of the most notable shopping centers in the United States. In 2004, Women's Wear Daily reported that the mall had the highest sales per square foot of any mall in California, at about $800. It is also the third biggest mall in the United States.
The mall's collection of boutiques and department stores has made it one of the most alluded-to malls in the world. Characters in The OC, Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, Clueless, and Beverly Hills 90210 all mention this particular shopping center as a center of teenage life. One sign of South Coast Plaza's prominence is its frequent inclusion as a store location in designer advertisements, alongside world shopping destinations like London, Paris, Milan, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Beverly Hills, Bal Harbor, Boston, Chicago, and New York City.
South Coast Plaza is a special kind of hell reserved for those times when I'm not occupied writing to the manufacturers of my favorite shampoo telling them how much I like their product.
Visiting South Coast Plaza is as fun as Surgery. But not the elective kind.
I'd rather go to the Dentist after being stung by a thousand bees than visit South Coast Plaza.
I'd rather walk over broken glass that has been set afire than visit South Coast Plaza.
South Coast Plaza where even the mannequins do yoga (and the Inanimate Department Store Dummies do too).
Going to South Coast Plaza is task reserved only for those times of complete and utter desperation. I'll buy online or from Costco if I have a choice, but every one gets fragged once in a while.
Across the Rainbow Bridge
Apple, The Paul Frank Store, Diesel, Crate & Barrel, and Pottery Barn (and all the other stores that are remotely interesting) are all centrally located in the B section of South Coast Plaza. The term B list originates from it's usage at South Coast Plaza. B-list translates to shops for people who merely aspire to obscenely upper middle class.
Here are some simple examples of the differences between A and B listers.
A-List
Air temperature cold enough to preserve the semi petrification on patron's (surprised on purpose!) faces.
B-List
Air temperature so hot I sweat off half my body weight pushing 30 pound child in 30 pound stroller. (Is that part of the A-list diet plan? Will I be thinner with bigger boobs by the time I walk outside to my Hummer?)
A-List
Security meets every one as they step off the elevator in to the "Penthouse" which is home to places such as Yves St Laurant and Oscar de la Renta.
B-List
Smarmy Sales associate in Sports Tragic helpfully sends you directly to elevator that serves the floor you're on and the parking garage. (Is that a hint?)
I've made a Terror Alert of the types of A-listers who would shop in the Wealthier than Oprah A-List section (and for the rest of us who wish to avoid anything to do with the alphabet).
Today the alert was yellowish orange with a flash of black (that was me scurrying out of there as fast as my ass would carry me).
Posted by Michelle at September 24, 2008 09:24 AM
Comments
The White Flint Mall in the DC area is the emotional equivalent where I grew up; fine art hanging from the ceiling over the escalators... Thank you for a hysterically funny post, and I'm so sorry you had to go in there. It's a painful mall-ady to have to have.
Posted by: AlisonH at September 24, 2008 09:59 AM
I worked at SCP for most of my college years [at Macy's and C&B] and I barely recognize the place anymore. I think there is a force field around that mall the deflects me and those in my tax bracket.
Posted by: Christie at September 24, 2008 10:25 AM
There is a special entrance and path that will lead you straight to GAP, right past MNG... but only those stores. I've broken out once or twice and gone to Banana Republic but then they kick me out of the mall.
Posted by: Roberta at September 24, 2008 10:56 AM
You have precisedly described the refined horrors of that place. Do you think it has something to do with Orange County? Most of the "B" stores you describe have places on the 3rd St Promenade (spare me) in Santa Monica, which is awful, but at least open.
Posted by: Kendra at September 24, 2008 10:56 AM
I think that you and I could use our smartassery to properly mock those rich hosebags at South Coast Plaza. Next time take me with you. Those people will be crying out their botox and restalyne!
Posted by: Andria at September 24, 2008 12:55 PM
God, that sounds awful.
My LA-county version of hell is The Grove. That place gives me the heebie jeebies, but I'm sure it could be worse.
Posted by: Lyssa at September 24, 2008 01:56 PM
BUT, would you rather drive a Hummer?
Posted by: La at September 24, 2008 02:29 PM
That chart is very very helpful. Here you'd have to add a category for Richer than Porn Stars (although I guess you'd have to add one there too.)
Posted by: monica at September 24, 2008 02:38 PM
Is there a Chic-Fil-A? Because that might make it worth it.
Posted by: Lori at September 24, 2008 03:23 PM
Hah! I know what you mean. I lived in Orange or Anaheim most of my life and I swear I've set foot in that mall less than 10 times. It's frightening. Although, it is fun to go to the A side and laugh at what people are willing to spend that much money on.
Posted by: Susan at September 24, 2008 10:17 PM
white flint? really?? Maybe when I was a kid in the 80's but nowadays it's rather dark and dated and skeezy feeling. totally living on it's location and reputation. Tysons II was much nicer, but I haven't been there in years.
Posted by: thepatternslave at September 26, 2008 05:52 PM
You're friggin nuts! How do you have this much time/energy?
Heidi
Posted by: Heidi at September 29, 2008 11:00 AM
I avoid malls like the plague they are anyway. But I still want a Hummer.
Posted by: Carrie K at September 30, 2008 04:30 PM